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Allan's Perspective

Sunday Morning Funnies # 43

Posted April 20, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

Two medical students were walking along the street when they noticed an old man. He was walking slowly with his legs spread apart. He looked stiff. One of them said, “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.” The other said, “No, I don’t think so. He has Zovitzki Syndrome because he walks slowly […]

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Allan's Perspective

A politician, a cop and a pharmacist walk into a pot farm …!

Posted April 18, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

It’s no joke: Ex-health minister George Smitherman, a retired deputy chief of Toronto police, and a Markham druggist are applying to open a medical marijuana facility in Durham Region. The trio — a veritable dream team in the medical marijuana industry — secured a property in Durham Region with about 16,000 square feet of serviceable […]

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Allan's Perspective

This will drive ya crazy!

Posted April 17, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

Anne Marie Hayes, president of a non-profit organization called Teens Learn to Drive, says that as a parent, she would not want her daughter in a vehicle with an instructor who had had his teaching licence revoked in the past three years. Folks, do ya remember “Drivers-Ed” back in high school? Well, it’s still around…………….., […]

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Funny

Dogged Determination

Posted April 14, 2014 by Chandra Clarke

Chandra Clarke

This week, from the department of teaching old dogs new tricks: Bonnie Bergin wants you to teach your dog to read. Bergin, who is well-respected as a dog trainer and who also has a background in human education, says the idea isn’t as far… er… fetched as you might think. She reminds us that dogs […]

Chandra Clarke – This material is safe for work. No really, it is.

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Beliefs and Causes

Biologists Confirm God Evolved From Chimpanzee Deity!

Posted April 13, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

Researchers say today’s Lord Almighty shares many traits in common with the chimp deity, including color vision and omniscience. O. K, FOLKS, IT’S SUNDAY ……………………, AND TIME FOR ANOTHER DOSE OF RELIGION! The only problem is…….., are we talking about “Planet of the Apes?” The Onion! BERKELEY, CA—Challenging long-held views on the origins of divinity, […]

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Humour

Sunday Morning Funnies #76

Posted April 6, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

1. EstherHarshom What’s green and eats nuts? Syphilis. 2. VildereKlovn Somebody stole my mood ring and I’m not quite sure how I feel about that. – Tracy Jordan 3. ChrisLikesSoda So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere… 4. azembala I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty […]

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Allan's Perspective

The Vodka Song: I’ll Drink to That!

Posted April 3, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

Dear Readers. Leave it to the NDP to propose stupid shit like THIS: Ontario’s NDP wants the province’s government-run liquor stores to suspend sales of Russian vodka due to the international crisis in Ukraine. New Democrat Cheri DiNovo is expected to table a motion today in response to Russia’s seizure of Crimea. (We think Cheri […]

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General

Reader’s Diary #1107- William Kotzwinkle and Glenn Murray, illustrated by Audrey Colman: Walter the Farting Dog

Posted April 2, 2014 by John Mutford

When I was a boy, we said “fart” in the house all the time. (Sad that we had reason to, but that was my dad.) It never occurred to me that someone might consider it a bad word until visiting at a cousin’s house one day, when a foul stench was followed …

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Allan's Perspective

Nazi’s should not have sex with black people!

Posted March 31, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

Dear Readers: See this woman? (You know her as the film industry’s Kitty Blair, star of the intrepid porn tale Kitty Discovers Sperm!) Kitty is also a candidate and spokesperson for a German right wing Nazi party known as the National Democratic Party of Germany. Only problem is that she was caught this week having sex […]

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Allan's Perspective

Sunday Morning Funnies #94

Posted March 30, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

Time for another batch of funnies, boys and girls! ———————————– A thoughtful Scottish Husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub, He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, ‘ Abigail – put your hat and coat on, lassie.’ She replied, ‘Awe Dearheart, that’s […]

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Allan's Perspective

Saturday Morning “Earth Day” Confusion!

Posted March 29, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

Folks, I’m not a die hard tree hugger, so I’m turning my lights out for an hour between 2 – 3:00 P.M. today! ————————————————– Remember that kid molester in Thailand who thought he could avoid detection by “swirling” his face as a disguise…………………, only to find out they “un-swirled” his picture and caught him? WELL, […]

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Humour

SUNDAY MORNING FUNNIES #9 #9 #9 #9 #9

Posted March 23, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

Folks, humour is a subjective thing that differs from person to person. What I find funny might not be so to you …………….., and vise versa! HOWEVER, I can draw a few generalizations, and say that in my opinion Lenny Bruce was the greatest stand-up comedian ever ….., not that he was really a comedian, […]

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Humour

Finding Momo!

Posted March 21, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

Folks, you’ve all heard of “FINDING WALDO?” Well, your ever curious reporter ran across THIS today and I hope you enjoy it as much as I did! [There is a guy in Toronto, (Andrew Knapp) who has a dog named Momo, and he did a great variation of "Finding Waldo!"] —- —- —- —- —- […]

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General

Down The Garden Path

Posted March 20, 2014 by Chandra Clarke

Chandra Clarke

It seemed like a good idea at the time. The first item on my “to do” list today was “fix up garden.” Having done most of the hard work last fall, it was just a matter of clearing out winter debris, pulling a few stray plants, and planting the spring bulbs. Two hours work, tops, […]

Chandra Clarke – This material is safe for work. No really, it is.

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Commentary

Cops not only cruel, but nasty too!

Posted March 16, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

MONTREAL — Montreal police moved quickly Saturday to crack down on an annual protest that has a history of getting out of hand. A crowd of demonstrators gathered outside a busy north-end subway station to denounce police brutality. It was the same location where, this past January, an officer was captured on video telling a […]

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Humour

Sunday Morning Funnies: BOOBS

Posted March 16, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

Dear Readers: A lot of the ladies are getting tired of having to listen to ‘dick’ jokes on the Internet ……………………………, so today we present “BOOB” jokes! Q: What is the origin of the word “Boob”? A: The “B” is the aerial view, the “oo” is the front view, the “b” is the side view. […]

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Humour

SATURDAY MORNING CONFUSION: If the twentieth century was a bar fight!

Posted March 15, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

ALL THE MEMBERS OF EUROPE ARE HANGING AROUND IN A BAR! Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria’s pint.   Austria demands Serbia buy it a whole new suit because of the new beer stains on its trouser leg.   Germany […]

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Commentary

Down in the dumps, or, watching your life drain away!

Posted March 10, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

Folks, this sounds like a story I heard on “The Vinyl Cafe,”on CBC radio ………., except this one is real life: An Oklahoma man says he wound up stuck in a storm drain for two days because he was chasing after a $20 bill. The unnamed man somehow fit his way into a storm drain […]

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Humour

Sunday Morning Funnies #17 1/2

Posted March 9, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they […]

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Commentary

Is this drunk enough for ya?

Posted March 9, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

Well folks, your humble reporter is conflicted this morning on whether to make this guy our “Asshole of the Day,” or crown him as our “Winner of the day,” for the sheer entertainment value of this story! Fairfax County Police say a Reston man faces multiple charges after they found him Monday driving his car backwards […]

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Commentary

Canadian SEX not Canadian enough!

Posted March 6, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

You might remember a quote by Pierre Elliot Trudeau: “The government has no place in the bedrooms of the nation!” WELL, tell that to the CRTC! Yesterday, the CRTC issued a broadcast notice saying AOV Adult Movie Channel, XXX Action Clips and the gay-oriented Maleflixxx were all failing to reach the required 35% threshold for […]

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Awards

It’s my Birthday!

Posted March 5, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

Folks, today is my birthday, and I’m tellin’ ya this for two reasons! First of all, I always knew I would be this age someday ……………………….., I just never thought it would get here this fast! And second: Technology is an amazing thing. The “Google” people know that today is my birthday, so the logo […]

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Asshole of the Day

Asshole of the week!

Posted March 4, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

An Indiana woman who was suffering from severe stomach pain headed to the hospital. Instead of needing gallbladder surgery, she came home with a healthy baby boy!!!!! (This woman is a retard on so many levels it makes my head swim!) —————————————— After being badgered one too many times about settling down and getting married, […]

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Humour

Sunday Morning Funnies #77

Posted March 2, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

Rules of Living Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship, “I apologize” and “You are right.” Everyone seems […]

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Commentary

Key, Key.., key-rist it’s cold outside!

Posted February 28, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

While Winnipeggers have endured months of bitter cold, one family is struggling to adjust after arriving in the city from Sierra Leone just eight days ago. When his family first arrived, his children were thrilled to see the snow. They ran out of the airport to play in it. Gibril Bangura, his wife and three […]

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Commentary

So far, no death threats for Katy Perry!

Posted February 26, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

Singer Katy Perry has upset members of the Muslim community by featuring “blasphemous” imagery in the music video for her new hit Dark Horse. In the promo, the Roar hitmaker plays an Egyptian queen who has the power to zap her subjects with lightning and turn them into sand, and she has offended Muslims by […]

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Commentary

Tales of the R.C.M.POO! (RCMP?)

Posted February 23, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

Folks, your bewildered reporter can’t understand the controversy surrounding the RCMP’s actions in High River, Alberta! (Well, at least the name of the town is appropriate!) Look bunky, it’s plain and simple! If ya want to check if there is someone in the house that’s in tro0uble, you either walk up to the door, or […]

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Humour

Sunday Morning Funnies! # 6683

Posted February 23, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

This test is to ascertain your mental state now. If you get one right you are doing OK, if you get none right you better go for counseling. There are 4 questions. Don’t miss one. Giraffe Test 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? Stop and think about it and decide on […]

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Humour

Sunday Morning Funnies # 55

Posted February 9, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

I was standing at the bar in Dublin, Ireland and this small Chinese guy comes in, standsnext to me and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, “Do you know any of those martialarts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu ?” He says “No, why the fruck you ask me that? Is it because I […]

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Humour

We think this is FUNNY!

Posted January 29, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

FOLKS, we are proud to present Canada’s new comedy team! ———————————— Also, I ran into this story today and it just begs repeating!!!!!!!!!! A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous […]

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Commentary

The fart that blew the roof off!

Posted January 28, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

Folks, every once in a while I get REAL proud of some of the stories you will find on these pages …….! They’re not your normal run-of-the-mill news items! This is definitely one of them! A herd of dairy cows nearly lifted the roof off their barn in central Germany when methane released by the […]

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Humour

Sunday Morning Funnies # 96

Posted January 26, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said: “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.” “What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.” “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.” “Well,” said the pirate, “We were in a battle, and I got […]

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Humour

Sunday Morning Funnies #66

Posted January 12, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

We have another batch of Sunday Morning Funnies to make your day start with a chuckle folks! ————————————- A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week […]

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Commentary

Polar vortex moving on, but deep freeze persists across much of Canada!

Posted January 9, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

The polar vortex may be saying its goodbyes today, but for many Canadians, the bitter deep freeze isn’t going anywhere just yet. Southern Ontario is starting to see some relief today after enduring some severe cold and wind chills from the polar vortex over the past few days. Temperatures in the -20s Celsius and wind […]

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Humour

Getting high with Pedro!

Posted January 8, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

This is almost as good as a Cheech and Chong bit! (It’s also one of the reasons I quite doing drugs!)

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Commentary

Canadian going to Mars?

Posted January 7, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

TORONTO — Stephen Fenech is no reluctant astronaut, even though the trip he hopes to make will take him from Earth forever. Toronto’s Fenech is now a one-percenter with the Mars One gang, a project with the goal of colonizing the fourth planet from the sun. Mars One, a not-for-profit Netherlands-based organization behind the colonization […]

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Humour

Sunday Morning Funnies #98

Posted January 5, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

Here’s a few stories for all you people going on vacation in the next few months! The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world: Put together by the Naked News staff! While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a […]

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Bizarre/Oddities

Orientals Threatened With Havoc Again!

Posted January 2, 2014 by Allan W Janssen

Folks, Tokyo has been ravaged, razed, burnt, scoured and decimated several times over by Godzilla, Mothra, Rodan and Gamera ………, but each time they re-built and life went on! Gotta hand it to those Orientals, not much gets them down! BUT! This time they might not get away so easily: A GIANT DUCK HAS INVADED […]

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